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May 24, 2004
Keep Score Of Your Trash Talking
Here is a post from half a year back on another blog that I have. Thought it would fit well in here.
I do a lot of playing poker on the internet and when I play I like to trash talk my opponents. It often makes them play worse than they already do (and they are generally pretty bad to begin with) and adds to my bottom line. Often times my opponents will attempt to trash talk back so I have developed a point system to keep track of who is winning the trash talk wars. Here are the categories and their points values, and remember in all cases in which the point score is unclear the players at the table who do not hate either of the participants (because they were trash talked by a participant in the past) act as a panel of judges.
1. Any well stated insult comparing your opponent’s intelligence to that of a cleverly chosen animal, vegetable, or inanimate object is worth 2 points.
2. Should either trash talker make a lame comeback 2 points are automatically deducted.
3. A well timed “your mother” joke is worth 3 points. A poorly timed your mother joke is worth minus 3 points, as it is just too obvious. Here is an example of a well timed “your mother” bomb I dropped on some unsuspecting chump the other day.
Player x: What does first place get in this tournament?
Me: Your mother.
Remember that the other players at the table act as a panel of judges, and in this case 4 of them (out of 8) typed “lol” so it was a unanimous decision that the joke was well timed. Here is an example of a poorly timed one.
Me: You have the IQ of a jelly doughnut. (Which scores 2 points according to rule 1)
Player: Your mother has the IQ of a jelly doughnut.
No one typed lol, as it was just too blatantly obvious, so minus 2 for Player X. Generally 2 lols from the judges are necessary for it to be a good one.
4. Any player who says “you’re gay” or something to that effect gets an automatic loss. All of their points are taken away and their new total is minus 10, just for purposes of calculating the point difference. However once an opponent has violated this rule cleverly worded and well timed insults to that player’s sexual preference score 2 points, since they are obviously idiotic homophobes and such insults seem to upset them. However badly worded and obvious gay jokes in return are worth minus 5 so be careful when using the gay approach, in the long run it just isn’t worth it.
5. Any insults (cleverly worded of course, that is always the key) which indirectly state that your opponent works for a specific fast food restaurant, gas station, or convenience/department store are worth 3 points. Here is an example:
Me: Man you just lost $100 in that hand. That’s what, about two weeks salary for you at Taco Bell?
6. Poorly worded insults which directly state that your opponent works for a specific fast food restaurant, gas station, or convenience/department store are worth 1 point if your opponent has not already used rule number five, as even poorly timed Burger King jokes are still pretty funny. Here is an example:
Player X: You work at Mc Donald’s.
If however this insult is in response to an insult that falls under categories 5 or 6 it is minus 2 points as it is entirely unoriginal and has lost all of its humor.
7. Any insults that have not been mentioned in these categories will be left to the discretion of the panel of judges. They are worth 2 points for every "lol" they elicit from the judges. Remember that no points are given for lols from railbirds. Should they elicit no lols you will have to find an impartial judge.
8. For every 5 total lols elicited from the judges a player gets an extra 2 points, as long as the judges are impartial to both contestants. Lols from partial judges are to be disregarded.
I hope these rules help anyone else who talks trash on the internet. Play by them and you will win more than your share, and enjoy knowing that your opponent was outwitted.
Posted by themaroon at May 24, 2004 6:31 AM
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Comments
Funny post, great read for my morning.
Posted by: Denis at May 24, 2004 1:28 AM
How old are you??
Posted by: Mike at May 24, 2004 2:24 AM