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July 21, 2004
I Hate The WPT
I have been fighting saying this for quite some time, but I am finally going to give in. The World Poker Tour television show sucks. It sucks bad. I know, this is either heresy or a completely unoriginal thought depending on which way you look at it but it is the honest truth. The show is terrible. I'm not even referring to their blatant exploitation of players either, as I have covered that well enough in the past. Just the quality of their show. Which is awful.
The worst thing about the show is the commentating. Worse commentating would not be humanly possible. Listening to Vince Van Patten’s dumb ass remarks is about as enjoyable as a root canal. Everything he says is either inaccurate or just plain stupid. Maybe twice a season he will come up with a good joke, but they are outnumbered by the bad ones by about a 200-1 ratio. I don’t know where they ever found this guy to begin with but now that the show is a success and could afford to have a better color commentator they should fire him and send him back into obscurity. Who hired him anyway? I can just imagine the interview:
“What are your qualifications?”
“Well my dad was a second rate television actor in the late 70’s, and I used to play tennis. Also I have as much sense of humor as a bowl of cottage cheese.”
“OK, when can you start?”
To be honest though I think Mike Sexton is even worse. Every time he says “I can't believe he is thinking about calling here” when some schmuck is doing an acting job and is obviously going to fold I want to bash his teeth in with a rusty pipe. Unlike that idiot Vince, Mike is actually an accomplished poker player and should know better. The audience has seen people do the acting routine 872,000 times already Mike, you aren’t adding suspense here. Just shut up, please.
Also every segment with Shana Hiatt in it is stupid. Like I care what the Bicycle Casino looks like. And I am going to tell you guys a secret, she isn’t that hot. Yes in a poker room she passes for a perfect 10 (just about any girl who is height-weight proportionate and has at least most of their teeth is a 9 or better in the world of poker) but on a real life scale of models she isn’t very high up the list. She is fine, but there are 800 girls on T.V. who are better looking than her, so quit drooling over her on RGP. I will say that she looks much better in real life than she does on T.V. though, so it is a shame that they make her look like a 16 year old girl.
Another thing I hate about the WPT is that it is only 50% actual poker, maybe less. I would never watch this show without TiVo again. I edited one of them on my computer once to remove the commercials and was left with 70 minutes of footage. I am sure well more than 10 minutes of the remaining stuff was lame segments with Shana or background info on players who nobody cares about, meaning that poker was less than half of the show. Maybe they should call it The World Lame Ass Z-List Celebrity’s Son, Second Rate Model, And Washed Up Redneck Ex-Poker Player Tour.
Also I don’t give a flying fuck about that lame ass Anheuser World Select (a wimpy Heineken knock off) and nobody else does either. Skip the horrible product placement, nobody toasts with beer. Give the victors the champagne they deserve, or at least a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale or something. I hope I win one of those just so I can take a sip during the victory toast and then spit it out as if I were surprised at how disgusting the stuff tastes. I can just see the credits rolling while I am in the background yelling “this stuff tastes like ass, someone get me a Sam Adams.”
Also what the hell is with the disco lights? Why don’t we just play some Bee Gees music and have the dealers roller-skate around the table while we are at it? This is poker, not some cheap nightclub. The background lighting on ESPN’s coverage is so much better. People don’t want theatrics; they want to see people playing the same game they play at home but for 1000 times the stakes. No purple or green lighting is necessary.
I am also sick of them acting like the hole card camera was their invention when it had been in use for years across the pond. Even if it were original I much prefer Fox’s method of having RFID tags in the cards so I don’t have to see some goofy black and white images of someone lifting the corner to reveal 2 7 off suit. Also anyone who has ever attended one of these events live will tell you that they have to stop the action about 374 times per hour to remind a player (almost always the same one) to show his hole cards to the camera. Sometimes they even go back after the hand and have the player pluck his cards out of the deck and lift them for the camera just so they can splice it in later.
I actually found the Celebrity Invitational (though I must say they employ a very loose definition of celebrity) to be the only ones watchable, and those only for a half hour. These people at least know they suck at poker (unlike the 4-6 random Joes at every other WPT table who don’t know the difference between luck and skill) and it is rather amusing to see what will happen. It is like having a NASCAR race full of blind drivers. You don’t know what will happen but you know it will be hilarious. It is great though how they act like the celebrities are all A-listers. I mean James Woods, Mimi Rogers, and that one Baldwin Brother who never did anything aren’t celebrities, they are glorified extras. I watch more movies than anyone I know and I can name one movie with any of them in it (Virgin Suicides has James Woods in a major role, a fact I know only (despite liking the movie) because someone on the Party Poker cruise told me when I responded to their “Did you see James Woods?” with “Who the hell is James Woods?”).
I missed Fox Sports Net’s live telecast last week, and if anyone recorded it to DVD and is willing to send it to me please let me know. From what I hear it was actually very well done, with insightful commentary from Howard Lederer, RFID tags for real time card viewing, and just general uneditedness. I truly hope that all events end up broadcast live one day, as it is the only way to watch any sport. And that is what poker is now, a sport.
Posted by themaroon at July 21, 2004 12:23 PM
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Comments
youre funny
Posted by: billy b at April 2, 2006 10:14 AM