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December 28, 2005
Funny email
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.
-Peter Griffin
Here is a funny email I got yesterday. I get a few emails from people saying they didn't like the book because of the typos every week, which really pisses me off. Not at the people emailing me, as I can't blame them for putting the book down after seeing those, but at the publisher. I'm not the sort of person to get this mad without taking action and I'm considering avenues of recourse right now.
Anyway, here was the most hostile one I've gotten to date:
I recently received your book as a Christmas gift, and after reading just the first thirty pages or so I must say your book is total trash. I have two complaints about it:
1. Winning Texas Hold'em?? By reading the cover and the information on the back of the book, one would think that it is about no limit hold'em. Because limit hold'em is clearly second to the more publicized and played no limit. By the looks of your book, I would call it just short of false advertising, based on the premise that it is not what I wanted to read.
2. Did anyone proofread your book? I was getting into it reading over the basic stuff, which I already know, and I found numerous typos and misrepresentation of hands. I know you state them on your web site, but honestly if you want me to take your advice seriously or even care what the rest of your book might say, you could at least take the time to read it yourself and make sure there are no obvious stupid mistakes in it.
In my opinion your book is totally useless and I highly doubt that you make any money playing poker. I would appreciate reimbursement for this waited Christmas gift I got, because you are a terrible writer, and probably a poor poker player. Thanks for waiting my time, and I would really appreciate a response.
Chris Mistler
Here is my reply:
Here is a list of logical fallacies in your email:
- Your belief that because the book was not about what you wanted it to be about there was false advertising involved. False advertising would be if I called the book "Winning No-Limit Texas Hold'em". Let's go word by word through the actual title. "Winning", the book is definitely about how to win. "Texas Hold'em," I know that's two words and maybe a bit much for you to comprehend, but Texas Hold'em is a game, which can be played limit, no limit, pot limit, spread limit, and all sorts of other different ways. No mention yet of no limit huh? There's nothing "just short of false advertising". Only an idiot could read that title and determine that it must be about no-limit hold'em. That is the equivalent of assuming that a book entitled "Biology" would be on the topic of zebra mating rituals.
- Your belief that "limit hold'em is clearly second to the more publicized and played no limit". Second is a fairly vague word, but in terms of popularity limit is by far first. No limit is certainly played more on television, however in non-televised poker (which accounts for probably about 99.99999% of poker hands dealt) limit is much more popular. Go on Party Poker and count the limit games, then count the no-limit ones.
- That it is anything less than completely idiotic to ask the author of a book for a refund. I'm guessing from your letter that you probably don't read much, but if you ever happen to find yourself in a book store (or, more likely in your case, the book aisle in your local K-Mart) pick one up and look at the first few pages. They talk about something called a "publisher". You'll notice that if you read a good number of books (which, I know, is unlikely) you'll see that a lot of different authors use the same publisher, though hopefully none use the same one I did.
Since you apparently live under a rock (and that rock probably resides in a trailer park) I'll explain a little bit about the publishing industry. Most people already know this stuff by about age nine, but since you don't I'll give you a little primer. Most books you get are written by an author. The author then gives that book to a publisher who prints it out, sells it to book stores, and pays the author for it. It would make far more sense to ask the publisher for your refund, though even that would be pretty stupid.
Here's a novel idea: if you don't like the book take it back to the book store. Ask whoever got you that book how to get there (somehow I doubt you know where to find one, unless the McDonalds you work at happens to be next to a Barnes and Noble) and go there. Exchange the book for something more your speed. I recommend the timeless epic "Hop on Pop" by Dr. Seuss.
- "I know you state them on your web site, but honestly if you want me to take your advice seriously or even care what the rest of your book might say, you could at least take the time to read it yourself and make sure there are no obvious stupid mistakes in it." That statement wouldn’t be idiotic if it wasn't for the fact that you obviously read the part of my website that says "My publisher introduced a number of errors into my book in the printing process." Proofreading doesn’t do much good once 50,000 copies are printed.
In my opinion your opinion is totally useless. You obviously know nothing about poker or books. You probably wouldn’t know either good poker or good writing if it bit you in the ass. Please take my book back to Barnes and Noble and exchange it for something more to your taste. Chances are that with your incapacity for logic that poker isn't for you. Maybe a nice book about crocheting? I'd tell you to come play with me to see how good I am but the limits I play require either intelligence or a decent amount of discretionary income and anyone who emails an author trying to get a refund for a $10 book that they didn’t even buy in the first place probably has neither.
Sorry for "waiting" your time. I would say you have wasted mine except this email will be one of a number that I use as evidence in court. So thanks!
Posted by themaroon at December 28, 2005 2:47 PM
Comments
That's great, please update us on the response
Posted by: BP at December 28, 2005 3:59 PM
That was great. I'm still laughing.
Posted by: alan at December 28, 2005 4:07 PM
funny letter but very mean letter... does this mean you are still losing at prop site?
Posted by: dan at December 28, 2005 5:36 PM
Bahahaha. I guess Chris Mistler didn't like my response. He responded with:
Wow your a prick!! I will burn your book and piss on the ashes. I hope you BAD LUCK and you loose everything in your life that means anything to you.
Wow, such venom. "Durr, I think I'll email someone saying their book is trash and then get mad when they respond in a mean way. Durrrrr". That's just plain stupidity.
Posted by: Matt at December 28, 2005 8:02 PM
Why does it seem that 95% of the American population doesn't know how to spell the word "lose"?
"Your" and "You're" seem to cause great confusion as well.
Good stuff Matt.
Posted by: joe at December 29, 2005 8:32 AM
I just received your book from B&M.com Matt! Although the book does feature a few typos here and there - IMO, it's a well ‘written’ piece. I wouldn’t worry about the critical comments from an obvious dufus! Afterall, how many fucking books have they written! Drrrrr…… :0)
Posted by: SeattleGarth at December 29, 2005 10:56 AM
Did you forward this email exchange to your publisher? How did they take it?
Posted by: Ajeet at November 7, 2006 7:32 AM